Tag Archives: children

Not happy with how we look: Negative body image & Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Posted on by Shona Innes
Reply

Can you imagine what is would be like to have your beautiful young son or daughter come to you with such hatred for their appearance that they are begging you to take them to a plastic surgeon?

I think from time to time we all check out our image in the mirror and make an evaluation of it.  Some people (young and old) make such critical evaluations of their appearance that they start to believe that they are unable to contribute to any sort of life because of their appearance.  When this becomes debilitating, we usually consider a diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Our body image is different to an image of our body.  An image or photo of our body captures how it is at any point in time.  Our body image, though, is the representation we have of our own bodies.  It is essentially a judgement or series of judgements we make about how we think we appear.

When you ask people to tell you about their bodies, rather than give you facts , for example, on the colour of their hair or their measure height they usually give you judgemental words like plump, skinny, solid, pale….even ugly.  For most of us, this is not a problem, but for a few, the way their body image becomes central to their level of happiness.

When we determine our worth or happiness by our judgement of how we look, things can get pretty complex.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD is a diagnosis used when there is an intense preoccupation with a perceived flaw in physical appearance. (For most BDD it is with people’s own appearance, but BDD by proxy can mean that parents become obsessed about flaws in their children’s appearance).  Individuals with BDD often spend lots of time checking and worrying about a particular aspect of their appearance. They may spend a lot of time comparing their appearance with others, and engaging in behaviours designed to try to hide or conceal the area of concern or generally try to avoid being seen by others.

It is thought that BDD affects 1-2 percent of the population and it does not seem to vary with gender.

In the clients I have seen with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, they usually focus on one feature in particular – their teeth or the shape of their lips and sadly, if they do take steps to have these adjusted to their liking (people with BDD are often frequent customers of plastic surgeons), it does not always mean that their happiness improves and they will then go onto to target the next part of their body that they find the most displeasing.

The thinking if ultimately something like “if I can just change the way I look, my life will be wonderful”

BDD is  much more than just vanity or being dissatisfied with how they look, it can become obsessive and often co-morbid (or exists together with) with depression, anxiety (especially social anxiety) and I have seen it accompanied by self harm and suicidal ideas, too.  It can make it hard for a young person to leave the house, go to school or uni, or meet up with friends…or if they do, there needs to be much time trying to cover or adjust a certain aspect of their appearance.

This means BDD can interfere with living with others.  Those with BDD will often continually seek reassurance about their appearance or spend lengthy times in the family bathroom or be frequently late for work or school. There is often quite a deal of secrecy and shame associated with BDD and BDD can quite often be associated with financial difficulties, too, with money being spent on treatments or cover ups.

Oversimplifying it, but in an attempt to explain how BDD starts and is maintained we could consider it  going something like this example (although imagine it being much more complex/less staright forward):

  • Someone tells me I have a crocked nose
  • I believe that I have to look perfect to be liked by others
  • I spend hours trying to cover up my crooked nose with makeup, but that all gets too hard and the products I use have cause swelling and redness, so I start avoiding going out whether others will see me crooked nose. I keep checking with the people I love about my nose, but that doesn’t satisfy me for long.
  • I stop socialising, friendships drop away and I never get to test the idea that I have to look perfect for others to like me or want to be friends with me.

Where does BDD come from?

It is thought that most BDD starts in adolescence and that much goes untreated for many years.  Adolescence is a time of many body changes, and also for some, an increased risk for acne, but other times of life where the body changes can also be triggers – like the emergence of wrinkles or loss of hair with aging or new scarring after an accident or medical issue.

Those at risk of BDD or serious negative body image have often been teased or excluded and are also more likely to associate with peers or even family members who are very focused on appearance. Certain personality types may be more prone but also, social and cultural pressures are thought to contribute including social media. I have also seen BDD that began following a period of childhood and family trauma.

There are so many industries that depend on us being dissatisfied with our body image – Industries worth billions of dollars.  They flood the media with direct and indirect messages about happiness being derived from appearance.

How can we prevent it?

Sadly, at this stage, we don’t’ have any strategies that definitely prevent BDD.  I like to try to educate children about the powers of advertising and the tricks marketers pay to make us buy things.  However, the best the research can suggest is that people seek treatment early.

So, if you are a parent of a teen, it is usual for them to spend more time in the bathroom and in front of the mirror as they approach puberty, but if the checking is accompanied by frequent negative statements about their appearance, constant comparisons of themselves to others, regularly needing reassurance that they look okay, and avoiding socialising or leaving the house, you  should increase your level of concern.

The first point of call should be your GP or Mental Health professional.  A proper diagnosis is essential.BDD has some similarities to Eating Disorders in that it is also about body image, but the preoccupation is usually different, with eating disorders normally being about weight and shape and usually leads to a change of eating patterns.

Treatment can include medication and psychological intervention.  Psychological treatment is focused on tackling negative body image by building body acceptance and using techniques to help reduce the amount of time spent obsessing, checking or seeking reassurance about appearance.  Psychologists can also help with uncovering and challenging assumptions and negative predictions that link appearance with ideas of success and happiness.  Psychologists can also help a person to tackle their avoidance or behaviours that set up self fulfilling loops around unhelpful assumptions

There is some very useful information at the BDD Foundation website.

If you have young children (preschool and early primary) and you are concerned about them developing a negative self image, perhaps you could share “You are Like You” with them to open up some conversations about their thoughts about themselves.

 

Why just Mothers’ Day? The importance of everyday self-care for Mums.

Posted on by Shona Innes
Reply

Yes – it’s on! Mother’s day is upon us and so, too, the carefully crafted junk mail and television commercials – Images of blow-waved children bouncing onto a perfectly ruffled bed on a sun-streamed morning bringing breakfast on a delicately manicured tray while a handsome man with the just right amount of five o’clock shadow smiles on from the bedroom door. Ahhh! Motherhood!

We all know that motherhood is rarely perfect. But – how much leeway is there from “perfect” before it starts to have a detrimental effect on families?

It is very clear that family violence is a toxic influence on the lives of little ones and that violence needs to be avoided at all costs. However, the other sometimes hidden, toxic, risk factor for eroding well being of children is maternal (and parental) mental health problems.

When you look into the literature on risk factors for child mental health, there is one factor that repeatedly screams out – parental depression. Depression is more than stress or fatigue. To some extent, some stress and fatigue are very much a part of parenting. Depression, however, is the big player in family wellbeing. Even when families are challenged by children with special needs or complex behaviours, it is the presence of absence of parental depression that often determines the outcome for the child’s mental wellbeing.

Parental mental health is critical to positive child well being. A parent with poor mental health can have a huge impact on the entire family – the other parent/s, the children, the ability to work and earn income and the ability to stay socially engaged with friends and extended family. A mother needs to be “fit enough” to be able to:

  • provide affection
  • be responsive to her child’s needs
  • be encouraging
  • teach every day lessons in moment by moment situations
  • engage with the child and the world
  • discipline positively when it is called for
  • support her partner in co-parenting and encourage the partners healthy relationship with the child.

If a mother’s ability to do these things is affected for any lengthy period of time, then that’s when a child’s well being may be affected unless support is rallied. Some mothers have difficulty relying on others or being relied upon themselves. Often, this difficulty can be a sign that something has gone on in the mother’s early years that interfered with the attachment between her and her own parents.

While some parents have clearly defined mental health problems, many parents may suffer from what we refer to as “subclinical” mental health disorders. A subclinical disorder is one where a mother can still soldier on and get to work, feed the family and attend all of the after school sport and activities, but underneath she is just not coping and may be leaning heavily on alcohol, other substances, or over working in order to get by.

Some mothers soldier on through their non-coping periods. Sometimes they do this because they don’t want to be a burden or a nuisance to others, because they are “so lucky” compared to some of the things they see people go through on the news and because they think they just need to “snap out of it”. Some get a bit of a Super Mum complex and then become resentful when their mood takes a hit.

Mothers need to prioritise self care. This doesn’t mean selfishness. It means genuinely looking after the person who, if not travelling well, has the ability to disrupt the whole family.

Just like we should check in and service our motor vehicles, Mum’s need time to reflect and take stock. A mum who is “firing” on all of her mental health “cylinders” uses healthy ways to regulate her emotions and manage her stresses and seeks and provides support from, and to, others. She watches the signs on her own emotional “dashboard” and refills when her “fuel levels” are low. Driving herself by being clear about her signs optimises her mental health, helps her make decisions, keeps her stable in her work and for her family and helps her exercise some sharp parenting skills.

Promoting self care for mums should be more than Mothers’ Day marketing madness. It’s imperative that mothers are supported to have, and maintain, good mental health that stays well clear of subclinical levels of concern.

So, what does a mother need this mother’s day?  Self-care!  She needs to do some basic stuff really well and really consistently and not just on Mothers’ Day.

A mother (or any parent or carer) needs to look after herself every day.  She needs to know how to ask for and accept support. She needs time to check in and make sure that she has balance and that her coping skills are healthy – more laughter, exercise, fun and sharing and less lonely, hard-working, stoic resentment.   She needs to be curious about life, be open to meeting new people and to trying new things. If there is something that is getting in the way, whether it is from the past or in the present, she needs to work on shifting it.

Banish stoic, perfect super mums and their bouncy, sun-filled mother’s day breakfast expectations and bring on healthy, open, warm, vulnerable, human mothers who can give and receive cuddles and have them gladden their hearts without fear that snot or crumbs will mean that there will be even more work to do before she can relax and genuinely “be” with her favourite people.

Mum, do right by yourself and your children and if you feel that your mental health could be wobbly, take time to check in on yourself. Your partner, best friend or even your GP may be great people to start a check in with. You might be surprised at how much they can tell you about yourself and what it is like when you may not be coping.

“Boring!” – Tips to help kids manage boredom

Posted on by Shona Innes
Reply

We’ve all felt the feeling of boredom. For some of us it might have been longer ago than others. Many of us have busy and full lives these days, but some children (and some adults) are more prone to experiencing boredom.

While it is normal to feel bored from time to time, a low tolerance for the feeling of boredom has been associated with a number of concerning outcomes including depression and hostile aggression. Those who are boredom prone are also more likely to procrastinate, feel insecure and more likely value the end product of activity (eg payment for work) rather than extract joy and meaning from the activity itself. Boredom has also been cited as a factor in studies of substance use, internet addiction, dropping out of school and marital issues.

Like most things psychological, a child’s experience of boredom is usually a sum of parts. Some of the parts are outside of the child and have to do with a lack of stimulation in the environment. Other parts are within the child and have to do with tolerance, attention, impulsivity and an ability to create interesting activities for themselves.

When most people experience boredom, they feel it as an unpleasant experience that has low energy and describe it as “unexciting”, “tired” or “depressed”. A smaller number of people experience boredom as unpleasant, but in a high energy way. High energy boredom is usually described as “frustrating” and a precursor for anger.

Whether it’s the high energy or low energy type, boredom is an unpleasant feeling. Indeed, that feeling of unpleasantness could well be boredom’s biggest contribution to our lives. Boredom is a little emotional “blimp” to tell us that there is more that we need to be doing or adding to our lives.

If boredom’s function is to tell us there’s more we need to do, then perhaps we should be explaining boredom’s function to children rather than running around trying to “fix” or cater to their boredom. We need to provide opportunities and guidance to get children to use their boredom as a prompt to getting creative about action.

Different members of your family may have different tolerance to boredom. Also, there will be differences in what each member of your family perceives as being stimulating.   When you are busy, down time can be seen as a luxury.   For your children, however, especially if they have not learned how to manage down time, it might be quite under-stimulating.

Don’t expect a child to “free-range” if they haven’t had enough experience or practice at this before.

There is a growing movement around mindfulness and learning to “sit with” feelings, but don’t expect that your child will be able to sit with feelings if they haven’t had some guidance. Helping your child manage boredom will take a little coaching. Encourage children to recognise and label their boredom and then to decide whether they want to do something with it. Do they want to try to sit with that feeling or do something about it (maybe something other than just complaining to you about the feeling?)

So, some top tips to help children learn to manage or cope with boredom:

  • Provide a choice of activities – don’t give children too many options for what might be available nor give them a blank slate – just a list of viable options.
  • Invest some time in getting the children started on an activity. If it has been awhile since there has been time to fill, they may need help with some momentum. Then once they are rolling along, you can step aside.
  • Make sure you provide some adequate resources. These don’t have to be expensive, nor linked to the internet. Sometimes you need to just get children started on building a cubby out of old sheets, or starting a rock garden outside or cutting out pictures from junk mail to make a book mark. Try to mix up the activities so that your children have more than one source of entertainment in their boredom fighting tool box – try a game of “I Spy” rather than passing your mobile phone to the back seat of the car.
  • If the task that you need to do is inherently dull, provide meaning and make the goal of the activity clear. Be sure that you provide a reason why you want them to do a task that might be boring. “We need to pick up all of these things on the floor so that we have enough space for the next thing we might do”.
  • Also, if a task truly is boring, try to change it up. Try to see if you can turn a dull task into a game (pick up all the things on the floor in rainbow order – red first!) or make up a silly song to sing while you get the job done (ask my youngest about the teeth and shoes song). Boring tasks might earn a raffle ticket for a surprise treat – the more tickets you get in a raffle, the more chance you have to win. Better still, after a few coaching sessions, challenge your children to turn the task into a game or song themselves.
  • Be sure you are matching the activities available to your child to their level. This might be especially important if they are spending the school holidays in the care of someone who does not know them very well and might have too many “bubsy” activities lined up.

     

Boredom, like other feelings, is a sign from our body that something needs doing.  Without it, I wonder if anyone would have done anything creative or new???

Help your children to learn to use the feeling of boredom as a trigger to sit and watch the feeling or to get creative.

A shout out to the self-absorbed

Posted on by Shona Innes
Reply

This Thursday on ABC Sunshine Coast mornings the topic will be narcissism or extreme self absorption. When is self absorption “normal” and when is it an issue that needs intervention or treatment?  Do “kids these days” still care?  How do you promote caring in kids?
Please tune in at around 9:40 EST or call in for a chat on 1300 903 222.

Kids and gaming: The all-new family battleground

Posted on by Shona Innes
Reply

I’m sure if you have ever played a computer game or console game you know that they can be great fun and a handy distraction. Like anything fun in the history of humankind, though, there is the potential for life to get out of balance if too much of our time is dedicated to one source of enjoyment. Until they are old enough to curb urges and delay gratification (jobs linked to the brain’s cortex), children need parents to act as their cortex.  Until children fully develop a cortex of their own they need limits set on their exposure to all things that might compete with living a happy and healthy life – they need some limits on gaming time.

In all of the years I have been in clinical and forensic practice with young people, I have never seen a young offender who has been convicted of a violent crime solely because they played too many computer or console games.  Child development is much more complex than that! However there is perhaps a more frequent  or common concerning trend and that is where gaming starts to interrupt a happy, healthy and social life for the individual or their family.

The children I have seen who have developed problematic gaming patterns have usually done so because there’s something else that’s not-quite-right in their life.  Sadly, sometimes there are a many very-not-right things.

Among families who have presented to me with a child (primary, secondary school or uni student age) with gaming issues, there are some common themes.  The children usually declare that they are not being heard or getting a say and sometimes there is a lack of respect or the recognition of needs between family members.

Similar to adults with internet and gaming issues, children can retreat to the gaming sphere to avoid unpleasant feelings or happenings in their lives.

Children retreating to games might be avoiding family conflict or other strong feelings like grief, loneliness, family separation or hurt from bullying, troubles with learning, or lacking a sense of achievement (at school or with friends).

Then, there are the children who just find it hard to comply with requests to turn the game off.  Children will always find it difficult to move from an activity they are enjoying to a less-preferred activity.  Playing a game is way more fun than cleaning your teeth and getting ready for bed.

Some children who are more oppositional will always find it tough and may need additional incentives to keep the household gaming rules and limits.

It is rare (in fact it has never happened in any of my clients) that a child complains about having too much time for gaming. I am loathe to suggest a set dosage rate for gaming time, but I’m happy to suggest it should be negotiated. When talking about limits to gaming, tell the child how their time on the computer affects you and other people.  Depending upon the age of your child, it’s important to assist them to understand their priorities (school work, music, chores, pets, siblings, friends, sleep) and help them to make a balanced decision about how much time would be a healthy amount of time and which days might be best.  Sometimes it can be handy to draw up a simple calendar and purchase a timer.  Younger children may need a timer set – with a five minute warning so they have time to save their advances.

Once you impose restrictions, don’t cave in or make threats – just follow through with regard to the times you have set. There will be most resistance at the start of the limits while they are being tested to see how wobbly they might be.  You will likely here how “unfair” it is, how they are the “only” child who has those limits in their class and how “bored” they will be.  Stick to your plan.  Indeed, think about having, at least, one day free of gaming each week or times where, maybe on holiday, there is a longer computer-game-free zone.

When you are limiting gaming time for your children, be sure you also limit it for the adults in the household as well.  Make sure that when you are with your child, that you are with your child and not just sitting next to them while you play or check messages on your phone or other portable device.

Be firm about computer and console game time and content limits, but be interested in the themes, characters and goals of their games.

Try to find out what it is they love about the game.

Many of the primary aged children I see would love for their parents to play on the games with them or at least to know some of the characters so that they understand why they are excited or disappointed after having played on a game for a time.  Also, if you know what games most interest a child, it becomes easier to suggest a real world equivalent way of pursuing this interest.

Encourage and help children to:
  • build up alternative recreation options
  • meet up with friends face to face
  • share meals – maybe even help to cook
  • get to bed at a good hour
  • take part in family life
  • explore art, books, music or even homework

Computer or console gaming is just one way of millions that everyone can enjoy their free time, but it is no fun when issues about accessing computer and console games become a battleground.  All children need limits and everyone needs balance. Keeping an eye out for things that might be making a child seek out more than usual game time, modelling negotiation and problem solving around accessing games provide the best chance for peaceful solutions.

Shona’s tips

Keep an eye out for the next Big Hug book, “The Internet is Like A Puddle”.  It will be available in Australia from early January 2015. Ask your favourite bookstore.

Parents and Carers  – While it is tempting to use computer games as baby sitters, it is really important that someone responsible looks over the child’s shoulder from time to time while they play.  Set up gaming devices in a more public area in your home.  This also lets you check whether your child is playing “on line”, with strangers or with people that you know.

Teachers – Keep an eye out if a child looks repeatedly sleepy in class or if the content of all of their writing and socialising seems game-themed.   Whilst gaming may often be one of the limited interest sets of a student who has an autism spectrum concerns, if you see a change in the child over time, be sure to feedback what you have noticed to the student’s parents or carers.  Encourage children to spend time in groups that do not necessarily share a gaming interest and encourage their development and involvement in non-gaming activities and themes.

Psychologists and Helpers – It is often the parents who will present a child with internet addiction issues.  It is rare for the young person to acknowledge any problems the first time they are dragged along for a treatment session. Keep an eye out for depression, impulsivity, sensation seeking, social anxiety and attention issues as well as getting a good sense of the family and friendship dynamics.  Kimberly Young and Cristiano Nabuco de Abreu have edited a fabulous book titled “Internet Addiction:  A Handbook Guide to Evaluation and Treatment”  (published by Wiley in 2011) and if you are regularly seeing children or adults with internet or gaming issues, this is a great resource.

Kids – While it is fun to spend lots of time playing games on the computer or console, when people tell you to stop playing, there usually have very good reasons.  Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like you are being listened to when someone tells you that you can’t have anymore of something that you love.  Stay cool.  See if you can make a deal with the adults and then be very careful to keep your side of the deal.  When kids get stuck or bogged on just one area of fun, it can start to take over their lives.  Make sure you exercise all of your “fun muscles”, not just the gaming ones.

How do you know if your child needs psychological help?

Posted on by admin
Reply

“Your child needs help” they said. “Something is not right with him” they said. “Maybe you should take her to see someone”. That’s all very easy for other people to say, but how do they know? How do you know if your child has a problem and if your child does have a problem? How do you find the best person to help them? Surely it takes more than just “seeing someone”?

How do you know when your child might need help?

Yes, there are some days when we could all use someone to talk to about our worries, fears or problems and children are no exception! In terms of taking your child to see a psychologist, there is a general rule of thumb that can assist. If your child’s problem has persisted for some time and is starting to get in the way of them having a happy and regular life, then it might be time to consider getting them (and you) some extra help.

For a child, a happy and regular life usually means that they sleep, eat, go to kinder/school, have fun with friends, maybe they are involved with a class or group outside of school and generally do what they are told (most of the time). Things that might indicate that something is not right could include trouble regularly attending school, taking far too long and far too many companion toys and glasses of water before going to sleep at night, melting down at the idea of a sleep-over or school camp or suddenly they are not meeting the expected targets with their school work or their behaviour takes a change for the worse. If a child is in danger because of how they feel or what they are doing, your priority should be to get them help straight away.

What does a psychologist do?

A psychologist’s job is to help with emotions, learning and behaviour. Psychologists use scientific research to understand how people think, feel and behave and to help them fix personal problems. They can help to diagnose and treat mental health problems, learning issues or challenging behaviours and relationships. Psychologists can work in hospitals, community health centre, for welfare agencies and in private practice.

To help a child with a problem, a psychologist needs to get to know a lot about the child, their experiences and the situation. They need to ask personal information and keep it confidential. In essence, the practice of good psychology is all much easier to do if the psychologist can make your child feel comfortable and retain professionalism. You and your child and maybe even your child’s school, need to be able to form a good working relationship.

So, how do you find the psychologist who is right for you?

The Australian Health Practitioner Regulations Agency (AHPRA) is responsible for regulating many health professionals in Australia. The Psychology Board of Australia assists AHPRA to regulate the practice of psychology and protect the community by making sure practice guidelines are kept by registered psychologists. Psychologists must be registered with the Psychology Board of Australia to practice psychology (by practice I mean to engage in the art and science of applying the theories of behavioural science to a person’s problem – I don’t mean that they are still working on trying to get it right). If someone is not registered with AHPRA/PBA, then they are not legally allowed to practice psychology in Australia. You can check a psychologist’s registration status, their qualifications and their endorsements (additional qualifications and supervised practice in a certain type of psychology) on the AHPRA website.

Like many professions, psychologists in Australian have a professional body that represents its members’ interests. The Australian Psychological Society (APS) is a group that psychologist can join to help them stay abreast on what is happening in psychology in the country, to assist with keeping up to date with new findings and to lobby the government or other authorities about psychological issues. Members of the APS pay an annual membership.   Membership of the APS is voluntary and psychologists don’t have to be a member of the APS In order to practice psychology in Australia. The APS has a “Find a psychologist” service, but members also have to pay to use this service and there are many psychologists who choose not to use it. The “Find a psychologist” service is largely for private practitioners so it does not tell you about all the psychologist in your area who might be working in a hospital, community health centre or in a school.

Your general practitioner may know the psychologists in your area. Paediatricians and psychiatrists usually have a good idea about the psychologists who work with young people in their area. I always like to think that people could ask their doctor, paediatrician, psychiatrist, school principal or teacher…“If it was your child, which psychologist would you want them to see? “

Better still, call a few psychologists in your area and have a talk with them about what they do and how they do it. You will need to ask about the costs of meeting with a psychologist. Your doctor should be able to tell you whether any rebates apply to psychology fees.

You might also want to ask the psychologist about their qualifications. The qualifications and requirements for being a registered psychologist have changed a bit over the years. There are psychologists who have doctoral or masters level degrees from universities and some psychologists who have gained some of their qualifications from university and from learning in the field. Some psychologists will have additional qualifications and experience in certain areas.

Psychology is a growing profession and the research and information about the most helpful ways to assist others and it is important that a psychologist stay up to date. AHPRA/PBA keeps track of psychologists’ additional qualifications and they also check whether psychologists are keeping their skills up to date.

Shona’s tips

Parents and Carers – Don’t be frightened or put off by suggestions that your child get some help. You know your child. Listen and watch them and spend time with them in the places or at the times when the issues seem to be biggest. If you do decide to see a psychologist for your child, you may want to see the psychologist on your own first. (You’ll need to check whether a session without the child is eligible for any rebates because this is sometimes a tricky area with funding bodies). Seeing the psychologist alone can mean you can talk without little ears hearing your worries. Alternatively, ask the psychologist if you can have some brief time alone with them before the child joins you for each session. If you are still not sure about the type of help that would be best, you can always call Parentline or its equivalent in your State.

Teachers – It helps to encourage a family to engage with a psychologist if you can tactfully explain what you are seeing that concerns you. It can help if you find out a few psychologists in your area that may be able to assist so that the family has less leg work to do to engage with a psychologist.

Psychologists and Helpers – Make sure you take time to welcome young people to your service with an age appropriate greeting. Don’t try too hard to be “hip and jiggy with it”. Children can tell when you are faking it or trying too hard and this can be off-putting. Make sure you have some age-appropriate reading material in the waiting area and also that you have some “things and stuff” to visually demonstrate concepts. Children don’t usually sit down opposite a grown up to talk. Be prepared to take some time to play or engage and explain what is going to happen.

Kids – Seeing a psychologist doesn’t mean that you are looney or crazy. You would probably be surprised to know how many of your friends have seen someone else outside family and school to help them with different problems. You may never know which of your friends is already seeing a psychologist because psychologists are good at keeping that information to themselves. It’s not something they want to blab about. You can find out more about what it might be like to see a psychologist by visiting http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/going_to_therapist.html.

Talking to your child about media coverage of tragedy

Posted on by admin
Reply

The world is not always a predictable place. Sometimes it can be just cruel and awful. This week, the incident involving the Malaysian Airlines passengers flying above the Ukraine has been a terrible example of the unexpected side of the people of our world. Our special wishes need to be extended to all of those who are some way involved or related to those who lost their lives in the tragedy.

News of such a tragedy usually starts to flood our heads and our homes via screens or over the sound waves.  Often, the updates are accompanied by graphic pictures on the television and in the papers.  Special updates interrupting normal viewing or listening habits. Our conversations and our tones of voice change. So, it is important that we are mindful of our children’s responses to these kinds of events. The way that we react can affect the way that they react and how they learn about the world and coping when tragedies occur.

If your child seems to be upset about it, how do you explain or counsel them when it is truly an atrocity?

Depending on your child’s age and understanding, you may want to explain the known circumstances. For a late primary school child, if they have questions, you may like to get out a map and just briefly (and age appropriately) explain the goings on in the Ukraine – “a place where people are fighting about who should run and make decisions about their country”. The newspapers have some handy diagrams you can use to explain the areas of the world that are involved. Look for reliable and sensible information and screen it first before showing your child.

It might also be handy to explain to your child that whenever their is an awful event, some people who are sad will sometimes get angry or want to blame someone.  You might see or hear some of these people in the news. Sometimes  sad people want answers to their questions.  Some questions have no easy answer or the right answers can take time to get.  it is understandable that people might be upset.  More anger usually doesn’t fix things, but if your child feels angry, help them to express it. They might like to write a letter to someone they think is important or who they think could make thing better in the future.
If your child is sad, in a grieving kind of way, they might like to write about their feelings, draw a picture, light a candle or plant a flower or shrub in the garden. They may need a little extra time at bedtime and a few more hugs.  It is perfectly okay to feel upset by upsetting events.

If your child is anxious, it can be helpful to reassure them about the things that you know. Be sure to explain about the role of news broadcasts in our lives. I like to tell children that the reason news is called “news” is because it’s not something that happens every day. If it was something that happened every day, it would not really be “news”.   We might even have to call it “olds”.  “CHARLIE EATS BREAKFAST” is not a common headline. Charlie eats breakfast every day. It’s not a “news” thing.  It happens everyday. The news reporters like to talk about things that don’t happen very often. The reason these event are news is because it is something that happens, thankfully, very rarely. The chances of it happening are usually very small. While this horrible situation did actually happen, it would be silly and sad to spend time ruining our life with worry about something that happened so rarely.  I also usually say that

“if worry really could help, then I would tell everyone to worry their hearts out”

but worry just tends to make us uptight and upset and we are better to spend that thought space being kind to others and doing nice things.
If your child is truly distressed, it is a really important time to try to make life as predictable as it can be. Try to make bedtimes and meal time’s routine. Do whatever you might normally do. It can be tricky when normal television programming is replaced with scenes of a traumatic incident. If that is happening a lot at your place, maybe switch off the news channels.  It might be a good time to get out a packet of cards or a board game and have a family games night instead of watching the “tele”.

If your child starts to change their behaviour (more fearful, clingy, challenging than usual) over a lengthy period of time they may need some extra help.  Be sure to let your child’s teachers and other carers know that they are not quite themselves.  Talking to your GP is a good place to start.  Your doctor can help you workout if further psychological intervention might be needed.

Kids These Days – What’s Going On Out There?

Posted on by admin
Reply

Every day, the phone rings at our psychology practice with a range of calls about children with problems. Parents, carers, doctors, psychiatrists, paediatricians, teachers and welfare workers all call about children that need help. We get calls about tots, teens and “tweens”.

Looking at the types of calls coming through can tell us a bit about what is going on for kids out there these days. The health and happiness of our children is a great measure of how we are doing as a society. So, if children aren’t healthy and happy, what are the things that are not working for them? What is it they need?

In no particular order, here is a broad sample of our current, most common, requests to help young people and some ideas about what these problems tell us about children’s needs. Please keep in mind that the enquiries we have won’t include the huge number of wonderful things happening for children in the world. Remember, in a psychology practice, we are always going to see a skewed sample. It’s the nature of our business.

Anxiety – There are so many things in the World you could be worried about.

When we see children who are anxious or frightened, it tends not so much to be about the fear of the dark or the bogey men anymore. It seems to be more of a generalised sense they have that the world is a dangerous place. Children might reflect the anxieties of their grown-ups. For some children and their families there is so much heightened arousal about the world and their role in it. There is so much that can go wrong or so much that you might get wrong – exams, fitting in, missing out. The child is convinced they need to be constantly prepared for catastrophe.

Children need a balanced view of the world – sometimes it is beautiful and sometimes it is tragic – always has been and, likely, always will be.

Friendship and loneliness issues – from bullies to heart break.

A number of children present with significant sadness and worry about having no friends, feeling left out or being avoided by other who used to be friends. Some have broken hearts – not necessarily of the boyfriend/girlfriend type, but more about the abandonment of previously held friendships. Some of these children have autism and developmental problems and need help with skills. It is so easy for some children to give up and stop trying to make friends because they can get so caught up in what’s wrong with them that they just don’t see how much of them is perfectly fine.

Children need connections.

Family breakdown – Can you really hate your ex more than you love your child?

The time and effort that ex-partners can put into hating each other is astounding. It is tough to see a child who loves both parents being torn because the parents are at war with each other. It’s great to know that many separated families can do an exceptional job or raising a child across two homes, but the Family Court is still busy with the couples who have a situation so complex, that the child or children miss out on so much of what is needed to be settled, healthy and content. Long and extended Court battles over custody seldom bring out the best in grownups.

Children need grownups who put their needs ahead of their hate for the ex-partner. They certainly don’t need to hear what an awful person Mum thinks Dad is or vice versa.

Self harm – Trying to find ways that can soothe when life gets hard

Self harm – cutting, burning or injuring yourself – has spiked in referrals in recent years and can be complex to understand. Ironic as it sounds, some of the presenting self harm issues are attempts to soothe when life gets too hard. Sometimes talking and posting about your self harm is a way to belong with a large online community – an attractive proposition to the otherwise lonely. The more recent trend in referrals to treat self harm include younger children in their late primary school years. Self harm is something that needs a proper, professional assessment.

Generally speaking, children need to be encouraged to speak up about their problems to attentive adults and to learn how to soothe themselves without the need for inflicting pain on themselves, or others.

Child maltreatment and trauma – Oh, how I would love to live in a world where children could grow up without early exposure to abuse or neglect.

Brain research is now showing us the biological and long term impacts of child maltreatment on young brains and the protective factors that abound when there is healthy early attachment to a predictable and loving grown up. Attention problems, hyperactivity, anxiety, depression, anger and difficulties regulating emotions and behaviours can all stem from abuse and neglect. Mum and Dad may love you, but they may also be what I call “parentally-challenged”. Their substance abuse issues, working hours, or their priorities about keeping up with the Joneses can trump time at home with the children. These days neglect can also mean long hours spent on the internet or gaming devices without supervision or without someone to tell you to go to sleep or eat some breakfast.

Children need safety, affection, attention and boundaries.

The cyber world – faster, broader, easier to access, difficult to monitor, but the way of the future.

At the nuisance level, children (and indeed adults), can have trouble moving from a most preferred activity to a least preferred activity – asking a child to get off the computer can sometimes cause a huge reaction. There can also be a gap between what Mum and Dad know and what children are actually exposing themselves to online. At the more sinister end is the exploitation of young ones who inadvertently click or swipe their way into a dangerous liaison. There is also a trend to seeing more young people in trouble with the Law for sharing too much of themselves, or too much of their boy/girlfriend, with others. On the other hand, there are not too many school rooms with chalk boards these days – chalk boards may as well be stone tablets etched Fred Flintstone style. Connection to the cyber world is a really important part of current educations and learning.

Children need to be exposed to the cyber world because it will continue to be a large component of their lives and future lifestyles. However, children need someone on yard duty in the cyber playground!

Access to substances – using alcohol and illicit substances can make the dumb decisions sometimes expected in adolescence, even dumber!

It would be great if we knew that children were never going to be exposed to substances that could harm them. Some of the most harmful substances are the ones that are legal and used often in the household. While the brain is still growing, it needs to be sheltered form additional toxic chemistry associated with alcohol and drugs. The thrill seeking that naturally accompanies adolescence means that often alcohol and substance use is combined with fast cars and other potential dangers.

Children need to learn about harms and their risk-taking in age appropriate ways and to feel supported to make a brave, smart decision even though it may be unpopular with their friends.

Perfectionism and body image – Eat (or starve), sleep, school, repeat.

While eating disorders remain some of the most dangerous mental health problems amongst young people, there is also an insidious amount of perfectionism sneaking into to the belief systems of our younglings. Some young people can freeze or melt down at the thought of making a mistake or not getting an “A” on an assignment. They are driven to make tighter and tighter rules and higher benchmarks for themselves to avoid an ever present fear of letting someone down or not being good enough.

Children need to know that it’s human to make mistakes and to know that they are already so very loveable. There is also a need for children to understand the importance of balance and healthy fun with good friends.

So, the issues that children bring to their psychological treatment reflect a lot about what is going on in our society. Child safety and the need for affectionate and warm relationships with grownups are still paramount. Their current issues show difficulties adapting to, and getting the most out of, our fast paced and changing society without compromising themselves. Children need healthy and safe grownups and lots of opportunities for connecting and communicating with others to help them find their way.

Shona’s tips

Everyone – It’s really important to remember that there is always going to be more right with a child than wrong with them. When we help, we need to consider what is happening with their developing biology and brain and their thinking and beliefs, but also their home, their school, their friends and the society that they live in.

The Chook Brain and the Cortex

Posted on by admin
Reply

The human brain never ceases to amaze me. It is truly an amazing piece of equipment made up of miniscule and precise parts that coordinate and move our body in ways we think about and ways we don’t even have to think about. You would think that having had a brain for as long as humans have existed, we might know a bit more about it by now. Technology and machines that go “ping” are helping us to advance our knowledge further and further each day. In the meantime, I find it easy to explain a lot of human behaviour by thinking about the brain being made up of sections or parts that each have a an important job to do when we react to things.

The brain seems to have some really quite primitive parts and some really extra clever bits. The primitive parts are the bits that look after our essential survival – things like breathing, eating, pooing and running away from dangerous things.

The Chook Brain

I have two backyard chickens, Daphne and Valma. Now, while I love them lots, I can acknowledge that Daphne and Valma are great at eating, pooing and laying eggs, but they are not great at more complex things like playing the piano, helping me with my homework problems or knowing the difference between my vegie seedlings and weeds. Compared to human brains, Daphne and Valma have very primitive brains. Daphne and Valma have chook brains that help them with the things they really need to know how to do – eat, poo, lay eggs and run away from danger – “Bercark!!!”

Humans have a part of their brain that is kind of like a chook brain. The chook brain part in our brain is really quite primitive and responsible for helping us with basic jobs and with keeping our bodies safe.

The Cortex

As well as a chook brain, we humans also have a part of the brain that allows us to do all those things that chicken cannot do – solve problems, think things through, focus on one thing for a long time and put off things that we want to do because there are other things we know are more important. This region of the brain is generally referred to as the human cortex.

It takes about 25 years for humans to have a fully grown cortex. When we are newborns, our brains are very primitive. When we are newborn we can poo and eat and startle if we get a fright. As we age and our brain grows, the cortex gets able to do more and more things.

Until we have a fully developed cortex part of our brain, we really need to borrow the cortex of safe and loving adults to help us make good decisions.

Reacting to Threats

The other amazing thing about our chook brain and cortex, is how they react to danger. If something is a really big threat, then our chook brain (the bit that looks after us if we need to run away) kicks in and takes over total control of our brain and body. If it’s a really big scary thing, our chook brain will get us ready to run away or to fight it off.

When you think about it, this is really important. If you are, say, walking through the jungle and see a tiger, this is not a good time to sit down to do homework, remember to get milk and bread on the way home, make and eat a sandwich, or to calculate the square root of a very large number. We don’t have time to use our cortex much.

When you see a tiger in your jungle, its a good time to run – and run fast. Our chook brain helps us do this. The cortex shuts down thinking and planning and our body gets ready to take care of us. Our heart goes faster to beat more blood to our big muscles, our breathing changes, our muscles get tense, our vision changes, our bellies can get uptight and sore (and our bowels can get loose), we get sweaty and all we can focus on is the scary thing. “Bercarck!!!”

After we have run from the tiger or have beaten it down with our bare hands and big oxygen-rich-blood-filled muscles, we can take a big breath out and sigh with relief. Our cortex can start to come back online. We can start to think, remember and make sense of more things. The process of moving from chook brain to cortex mode might take awhile and we can feel a bity wobbly while this happens and sometimes we can be on high alert for quite some time.

Tigers These Days

These days, not many of us come across actual tigers in jungles. Many of the things our brain thinks are scary are ideas or worries or memories that frighten us. We can go chook brained even just thinking about or imagining something that threaten us – an accident, a trauma, or something that causes death – bodily death or social death. We don’t run or take on too many tigers, instead we react in a range of different ways – maybe tantrums, panic or meltdown.

Calming the Chook Brain

The chook brain and the cortex have lots to answer for when it comes to managing anxiety, worries and trauma. They can also help us understand what we need to do to be able to stay calm and help children (who don’t yet have a fully grown cortex) to stay calm.

To get to know your chook brain a little better, think about the things that threaten you or that might be threatening your child. The threat may be real and current, a memory of a past threat (trauma) or a prediction about a threat that hasn’t even happened yet (worry).

Get to know the early warning signs that you (or your child) are about to go chook-brained. Do you notice a change in your heart rate, a change in your breathing, or tightness in your muscles? When you notice the warning signs, try to keep a hold of your cortex or step in to help your child use more cortex. Check in with your breathing and try to slow it and try to encourage your child to do the same. Try to stretch your muscles or check in with your thoughts to see if you really need to be so alarmed. Think, say and do things that will soothe you and soothe your child.

When your cortex comes back, have a talk about what happened and use your full brain to problem solve plan ahead for what you might do if the scary thing, thought or memory comes back again. Your child might like to draw or write a story or poem to help them.

Shona’s tips

Parents and Carers – In your role as the extra cortex for you child, be sure you try to model healthy ways of dealing with fears and worries. Your child will look to you when they are unsure and if you look calm, they will fell better. If you look like you are chook-brained……then there may be more than one of you going “Bercarck!!!”.

Teachers – Children who are chook-brained are not going to be able to concentrate on learning. Calmer classrooms is a great resource for assisting children who have been traumatised, but also can give you ideas that can calm many anxieties in children.

Psychologists and Helpers – Make sure you don’t make assumptions about what may soothe your client based on the things that soothe you – different things soothe different people differently. Encourage them to explore, experiment and gather the information for themselves. The Centre for Clinical Interventions has some useful workbooks for adult clients.

Kids – You might like to draw a picture about what you are like when you are chook-brained and where you notice it in your body. It might also be nice to keep a box full of things that make you feel relaxed and calm – things to cuddle, things that smell nice, nice music and sounds or pictures of people you love. Staying calm helps you keep your whole brain working together.